One of my favorite communication tools for any conversation is known as metacommunication. Practicing metacommunication can transform your relationships with your partner, family, friends, and even coworkers.
But first of all, what is metacommunication?
Simply put, metacommunication is talking about why you are talking in the first place. This means knowing your–or the other person’s–intention in starting up a conversation.
Sometimes when we are talking to someone, we simply need to vent, and just want the other person to listen to us, so we don’t feel so alone with our issue. Other times, however, we communicate in order to solve problems.
For example, we might bring up an issue at work because we don’t know the best route forward, and want another person’s perspective; other times, we might want to hear if the person we’re talking to has ever had a similar experience.
Metacommunication is simple, but has a profound effect on the quality of a conversation. Rather than guessing what the speaker wants, you simply ask and figure it out.
Here are three easy ways to practice metacommunication in your relationships:
1) Hey, I’d love to talk to you about [X], and I’d really like [insert reason here].
It is important to recognize that you can practice metacommunication as the speaker, not just as the listener.
Most advice on metacommunication involves the listener pausing the speaker to check in with a questions like, “Hey, do you want me just to listen, or should I offer some advice?” This is good advice, but it can greatly help the situation for the speaker to already know their intentions before launching into a story. So we can nip any communication problems in the bud by starting the conversation with a specific explanation of what we want out of it.
If you find yourself calling up your best friend because you just got dumped, perhaps you could start the conversation with, “Hey, I want to tell you about how I’m feeling right now, and I’d really like some emotional support.”
In another situation, you might approach your coworker and say, “Hey, I’d love to tell you about an issue we’re having in the department. I’m curious if you’ve ever faced a similar situation that you could tell me about.” This makes it clear what you want and need from the conversation.
OK, so what if someone launches into a story without specifying why? Then, we can try a different method.
2) Hey, I’d love to check in. Do you want [X] or [X] right now?
If you have a good sense of what’s going on with this person, you can probably take an educated guess as to what they want from the conversation. A good way to check in is to offer them two options.
The first involves saying, “Hey, I love what you’re telling me right now, and just wanted to check in. Are you wanting me to help problem solve, or just listen?” That gives the speaker an opportunity to think about their own intention.
The other option is to pause and simply ask, “Do you want comfort right now, or to think of some possible solutions?” This is a good question to ask because we often go directly to problem solving when somebody comes to us with an issue. The thing about problem solving, however, is that, often, the person already knows the best way forward, and just needs some help working through it. They might know a lot more about the situation than you do, so your advice would not be useful to them.
3) I totally hear what you’re saying. How can I best support you right now?
If you understand the story you’re being told, but have no idea of the speaker’s intention behind it, the best thing to do is just ask. You could say something like, “I appreciate you coming to me about this. What’s the most important thing you need right now?” to really get to the root of the matter.
Another direct way to apply metacommunication is simply to ask, “What are you wanting out of this conversation?” which gives the speaker an opportunity to clarify why they came to you in the first place.
So, there you have it, three easy ways to metacommunicate. I encourage you to try them out while also making each method your own, modifying the prompts with your own vocabulary to sound natural.
When you’re with your partner, you might use more loving language, for example: “Honey, what you’re going through sounds really challenging. I really want to be here for you, so how can I best support you?” With a coworker, however, you might tone it down a bit, saying something like, “This is an important issue. What do you need to move forward with it?”
Either way, it is a good idea to make a habit of using metacommunication. The more you practice it, the more natural it becomes. Soon, all your conversations will go much more smoothly, as you better meet the needs and desires of the other parties.
