When I coach couples, one of the most common concerns is the lack of sexual satisfaction and frequency that happens as the relationship goes on. Oftentimes, a fiery and passionate relationship begins to feel routine and mundane, and concerned couples think this spells the end of the relationship.
This natural ebb is quite common and rarely has anything to do with the health of the relationship. A huge factor that comes into play is just the natural biochemistry of our species, that shifts from the dopaminergic reward system of sex to the oxytocin system of connection.
What really tends to get in the way is just life itself. As couples mature in their careers, work demands tend to build up. The individuals not only work longer hours, but are also more stressed as a result, and that stress response gets in the way of feeling free and sexy in one’s body. Also, as soon as kids come into the picture, new parents lose out on sleep and alone time too. Now there are numerous schedules to balance, from school to soccer practice to daycare, and many parents have no time at all for intimate lovemaking.
So, the general recommendation during these circumstances is the seemingly unromantic idea of scheduling sex. While this is not the first thing couples want to do, it can greatly help as most relationships move from what is known as spontaneous desire to responsive desire.
And if you also find yourself hesitant to put “Get naked with wife” on your calendar, here are six reasons to consider it:
1. Sex will happen.
Often when couples in partnership are focused on the house, chores, kids, career, and other family members, sex doesn’t happen simply because it is not a priority. As a result, it falls off the map entirely.
So, one way to make it happen in between concert recitals and work-trips is to put it in the calendar. It’s the main way to guarantee that both partners will be in the same place at the same time in the right headspace.
2. You have something to look forward to.
Once that date is in your calendar, now it becomes something to look forward to. Perhaps you put it at the end of a work week and when things are stressful on Wednesday, you know Friday is just around the corner. In this way, the anticipation can bring a level of excitement to any day of the week.
3. You can build up to it.
Another great reason to schedule your sex it is allows you to build up erotic attention ahead of time. Sex is not just the act, but everything that leads up to the act.
Building up to it can include everything from going to the sex shop and getting a new toy or article of clothing, to sending racy texts to teach other, even to playing out an entire scene to role-play when the time comes.
4. It is a guarantee.
Even in long-term partnerships, no one likes the feeling of being rejected. On the other side of things, no one wants to be pressured to do something they don’t want to do.
Rather than make sex something one person initiates and the other goes along with it, scheduling sex makes both partners agree on things ahead of time so things happen naturally in the moment.
Of course, we must also recognize that nothing is 100%. When your date night does come around and one person is just not up for it, that boundary needs to be respected.
5. There is a good chance it will induce more spontaneous sex.
Every relationship could use a jump start now and then. Scheduling sex after being sexless for months or years is a great way to “prime the pump,” no pun intended. It is a wonderful way to get couples to remember that sex can be awesome, fun and pleasurable, and that will make it more likely to happen even on the “off” days.
This perspective represents the age-old teaching that action often precedes motivation, rather than the other way around. Nike’s “Just do it” applies not just to exercise, but countless areas of our life don’t begin because we do not feel motivated to do it.
6. It will better your communication skills.
“Communication is the bedrock to make your bed rock” Dr. Laurie Mintz taught when she came onto the Learn to Love Podcast. Scheduling sex will force some important conversations between you and your partner about your sex life. How much sex do you want? How long do you want it to last? What would you like to do during it?
Scheduling sex will also improve your communication skills, which will not only make your sex better, but your relationship better too. This is why kinky people tend have more satisfying love lives, not because a whip or blindfold will automatically improve one’s quality life, but because of the communication skills a person develops in the kink world transfers over to the rest.
There you have it: six reasons to start scheduling your sex now. Have you ever scheduled a romantic rendezvous? What are some benefits you’ve found? Let us know in the comments below.
