If you ask the average person what is important in relationships, they will probably answer “communication.” You’ve likely heard the famous quip “the three keys to a successful relationship are communication, communication, and communication.” It’s not just a clever saying, however, as even professionals espouse this perspective. Couples therapists Linda and Charlie Bloom similarly explain that the three magic words in relationships are “communication, communication, communication.”
So we all know how important it is to communicate, but unfortunately we are rarely told how to communicate. Which kinds of communication are helpful? Which are unhelpful? How can we become better communicators?
As a couples coach, I have found that communication issues are one of the biggest challenges people face in their relationships. Partners are aware they should be communicating, but they don’t know how to make that happen. When they try to start a difficult conversation or bring up a problem, they just get into an argument. Often, attempts to communicate actually make things worse.
That’s why I’m offering you the best tips I have found for increasing the quality of your communication, leading to improved connection, intimacy, and closeness with your partner. In addition, I will share some practices that minimize conflict.
And the first step to better communication is not to speak, but to listen.
Listen
As Jim Carrey tells Kate Winslet’s character in Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind, “Constantly talking isn’t necessarily communicating.” The first thing to understand about communication is that it is a two-way street.
When couples are having a hard time, it is often the case that both are talking but neither is listening. It is common for both partners to feel justified and self-righteous about their role in a conflict. They both want to communicate but only to get their point across, and only to get across that their idea is right and their partner’s opinion is wrong.
Other times, one member of the relationship may be having a hard time, causing them to constantly ruminate over an issue. That person will feel a sense of anguish and seek relief by verbalizing it–without regard for how their partner might receive it. There are so many situations where one person shares their “truth” and feels a lot better afterwards, but the person on the hearing end now feels much worse.
Unfortunately, none of these strategies work for improving your connection. In any relationship, there is not one objective reality on which both partners need to agree. Rather, there are two subjective realities; both are valid, and both are right. This is a hard pill to swallow for many people.
Listening is an important part of honoring another person’s subjective reality and is key to communication. It is really the first step in solving any communication conflict. Are either of you actually listening to each other? Are you trying to empathize and see the other person’s point of view? Are you willing to listen to information that might be contrary to your own understanding? Is your heart open?
Listening might sound easy, but, in practice, it is one of the most challenging things for any human to do. One of the reasons for this difficulty is the endless stream of thoughts constantly running through your mind. Without a calm mind, trying to listen to your partner is like having a radio on at full blast and trying to hear the birds outside. You have to calm your own mind and step away from your ego first.
Then, once you do finally quiet your own endless internal dialogue and receive another person’s perspective, your next step is not to offer your own opinion on the situation, but to validate your partner’s perspective.
Validate
When I interviewed Marriage and Family Therapist Valerie Diluggo on the Learn to Love podcast, she shared an incredible insight that I often return to in my own teachings. She said, “Emotions will be elevated until they are validated.”
I loved this teaching because I already knew it on a personal level. Whenever we experience a challenging or particularly negative emotion, we can lessen the hold it has on us by simply identifying it and allowing ourselves to feel it. This strategy is known as “naming it to tame it” and is based on the very important lesson that, “what you resist, persists.” But Valerie had the important insight that this same phenomenon happens with our partners too. If we are able to identify and validate our partners emotional experience, that will also help to calm the situation.
So, when your partner expresses anger over something, you shouldn’t tell them they are wrong or unreasonable in their anger; you should validate the emotion they’re feeling.
Why is validation so important? Because it is human nature to want to feel seen and heard. We all need love, and an important part of being loved is being honored and accepted for who we are.
It is easy to get defensive if your partner brings up an issue and says you are contributing to it. In every case, however, it is important to follow the practice of acknowledging impact, not intention. No matter how good your intentions may have been, no matter how high your own hopes were, your partner is in emotional distress as a result of something that happened. Whether it was an accident or an unintended consequence, it’s important to acknowledge the negative impact of your actions and validate your partner’s emotions.
Only after validating your partner can you move on to the next step: speaking to your experience.
Speak to your experience
A main indicator of whether your communication is conducive for connection is whether you are talking about your partner’s experience or your own. The only way to create emotional intimacy is by expressing your own feelings and needs.
No one wants to be told what they are experiencing. If you’re communicating something along the lines of “you walked in the room and then you yelled at me because you were so angry and you were unwilling to see any other point of view,” that is only going to elevate the situation and inspire a defensive response.
Instead, it is best to shift away from any accusations that are expressed with a “you,” instead making genuine “I” statements that speak to your own experience. Because your subjective experience is real and valid, expressing your emotions in a nonviolent way is key to cultivating a relationship of empathy and compassion. It is much better to communicate something along the lines of “I’m feeling sad and disconnected, partly because I haven’t seen you all day. I’ve been wanting to talk about what happened at work today. I’m really struggling.” See the difference?
While speaking to your experience, see if you can identify any soft feelings underneath more hard feelings. Often, underneath a hard emotion like anger, there is a soft feeling of being scared, hurt, lonely, or unworthy. It was James Baldwin who said “I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain.” Identifying soft feelings isn’t easy, but it is worth it.
Of course, communication isn’t just about overcoming challenges and dealing with conflict. We also communicate during the positive and joyous times in life by expressing our love and appreciation.
Express your love and appreciation
If I were to sum up everything I’ve learned about creating successful, happy relationships, it would be this: think nice things, say nice things, and do nice things.
Partners in happy relationships are committed to each other’s health and happiness, consistently reinforcing their connection with positive feedback and appreciation. They see the best in each other, bring out the best in each other, and express appreciation for the good qualities that accompany their love.
So, if you’re wanting to communicate something to your partner, maybe don’t immediately start with whatever is annoying you at the moment. Think of something positive your partner has done recently and thank them for it.
I guarantee that every day offers you dozens of opportunities to express gratitude and appreciation to your partner. There are so many little things we do for each other that deserve to be recognized.
So there you have it. Listen, validate, speak to your own experience, and express your love.
Is that all there is to communication? Yes–and no. These are definitely some of the basic principles for creating a solid foundation. But next week, I’ll go over another incredibly important component we can infuse into our interactions: compassion.
