One of the best things we can do for ourselves is love ourselves. It is also one of the hardest things for us to do.
Fortunately, most of the obstacles to fostering self-love are simply misconceptions that can easily be dispelled. Many people’s misgivings about practicing self-love, kindness, and compassion are simply not true.
For example, many people think that practicing more self-acceptance will undermine their motivation, particularly on the path of self-improvement. If we we love ourselves after making a mistake, will that attitude not seek to correct the mistake?
If we accept ourselves for being overweight, will that undermine our motivation to attain a healthy weight? After all, it was the comedian Jim Gaffigan who humorously quipped, “I don’t stop eating when I’m full; I stop eating when I hate myself.”
Similarly, many people think that inner aggression, self-hatred, and self-criticism are effective motivating forces for good. If we hate ourselves for eating junk food, that will, in turn, motivate us to eat better, right?
Wrong. The research shows that this is simply not the case, and there are a number of reasons why. First off, our tendency for self-criticism undermines our self-confidence and leads to a fear of failure. If we know we will be really hard on ourselves for failing or missing the mark, we are less likely to try new things out of fear of punishment. If we know we could be criticized, we will be a lot less likely to do something.
The research actually shows that those who love themselves more are not any less likely to have high personal standards. In fact, as the authors put it, people who are highly self-compassionate are “less vulnerable to the affective consequences of thwarted goal progress.” Dr. Kristen Neff, another researcher who focuses on self-compassion, has found that self-compassion is not only a more effective motivator than self-criticism, but is also more effective than self-esteem too.
In other words, inner aggression is not a good indicator of outward improvement, so you might as well love yourself as you improve yourself. As the psychologist Robert Holden put it, “There’s no amount of self-improvement that can make up for a lack of self-acceptance.”
Self-love is not selfish
Another obstacle on the path to more self-love is that people conflate it with selfishness, narcissism, and indulgence. People have learned to feel a sense of guilt over loving and taking care of themselves.
Well, I have some good news for you: self-compassionate people have more compassion for others too. It is not a matter of selfishness; it is a matter of understanding that love that comes from a place of wholeness and that fullness is more effective and longer lasting than love coming from a place of emptiness. Loving oneself in order to love others is rooted in the same principle of putting on one’s own oxygen mask first.
Can you expect to fill up someone’s teacup if the tea pot is empty? How many teacups can you fill if there is a hole in the pot? Self-love is giving oneself the energy, gumption, and health to be of better service to others.
The research backs this up. Self-love is not associated with indulgent, selfish, or narcissistic behaviors like overeating, stealing, or abusing others for personal gain. Rather, true self-love means choosing long-term health over short-term pleasure. Self-compassionate people engage in healthier behaviors like exercise, eating well, drinking less, and going to the doctor more regularly.
Have you ever noticed how hard it is to connect with someone who is disconnected from themselves? Well, it works the other way around too. People who are more connected to themselves are more caring and supportive in their interpersonal relationships. Additionally, by connecting to our own experience, we are able to feel more empathy and understanding for others who are going through, or have gone through, a similar experience.
In other words, the research is clear. Those who are more compassionate to themselves are also more compassionate to others.
So, the next time you feel a bit of guilt about self-love, nip that feeling in the bud by reminding yourself that practicing compassion for yourself will increase and better your love and compassion for others too.
