Every couple experiences conflict. It is an inevitable fact of life that when two people meet, there are going to be challenges. That is because every relationship is a meeting of two previously separate and distinct worlds. One person prefers things a bit messy, the other needs cleanliness. One person is a night owl, another is an early bird. One person loves to cook, the other loves to eat out. One partner loves science fiction, the other prefers romantic comedies.
In every relationship there will be conflicting needs and desires too. While it would be great if two people in love matched up perfectly, rarely is that the case. Inevitably, one partner wants sex more often than the other. One wants to talk about the relationship, while the other thinks everything is fine. One person loves doing things together, while the other loves their independence and alone time.
These differences are normal in every relationship, but what separates the relationships that succeed from the relationships that fail is how these conflicts are handled. The relationships that turn toxic and end up failing tend to be the ones with frequent blame, criticism and judgment. Rather than express their needs, partners make demands and complain, and partners argue about how their way of things is superior and better.
The couples that really succeed are those that navigate these conflicts with ease; not by seeking to win their partner over to their side, but by deeply understanding where the other person is coming from. Partners in happy relationships may argue; but they argue not to win, but to understand.
This frame of reference is important to understand and practice on a day-to-day basis, because a relationship is the biggest container where we are put face-to-face with the idea that there is another reality just as valid as our own. Understanding this principle will not just benefit your intimate relationships, but all your relationships and, in fact, how you view the world.
If you are arguing to win, you have already lost
The fact of the matter is, if you are arguing to win, you have already lost. You have already become so entrenched in your own world view and are already seeing this other person as the opposition, so there is no middle ground to be had. You will start to get defensive of your position and attack the other position.
The fact of the matter is, you cannot love someone and try to change them at the same time. This principle applies not only to our attempt to change who our partner is, but also how they feel about themselves and the world. The poet Nayyirah Waheed put it this way:
if we must
both
be right.
we will
lose
each other.
By coming to a mutual understanding of each other’s point of view, you are co-creating a singular reality altogether. You begin to share in one space together, rather than create a distance between you two.
Creating a shared space reflects the fundamental difference between sympathy and empathy. Sympathy is maintaining your position and your point of view and looking down on somebody and what they are experiencing, but empathy is joining them, coming into the same space and without judgment; remaining open to hearing and internalizing somebody else’s lived experience.
The poet Mark Nepo summed it up this way:
To listen is to continually give up all expectation and to give our attention, completely and freshly, to what is before us, not really knowing what we will hear or what that will mean. In the practice of our days, to listen is to lean in, softly, with a willingness to be changed by what we hear.
Nepo’s teaching reflects the fundamental vulnerability that comes when we drop our defenses: we might be changed by what we hear. It is easy to walk around thinking that we are right in everything all the time, to never listen to another person’s point of view.
From a psychological perspective, a willingness to be changed based on what we hear is called “accepting influence.” The Gottman Institute has found that it is crucial for both partners in a relationship to accept influence from the other partner, and that this is particularly important for men. Since men tend to be less willing to be vulnerable and are brought up in a culture that says being firm and steadfast is a good thing, they tend to be the ones less willing to change for their partner.
For both men and women, it feels good to feel we are right and everybody else is wrong. Unfortunately, such narcissism is not conducive to a good relationship. Few of us are able to truly listen to another person because we are so caught up in our own story. If we are to open up to another, we have to be willing to expand our view of the world beyond our own.
The Meeting of The Other
One of the fundamental tenets of couple’s therapy is that there is not one objective reality that both partners must agree on. Rather, there are two subjective realities, and both are real and valid. Your task as a partner in an intimate relationship is not to win over your partner to your point of view, but instead to understand their point of view. What makes them think this way?
This is why it is so important for partners in intimate relationships to cultivate both curiosity about the other and friendship. As you inquire into another person’s point of view, you do not want to challenge them, but instead come from a place of friendship that seeks mutual understanding.
A couple weeks ago I wrote about the importance of understanding another person as the foundation of our love. After writing that post, I was reminded of the saying, intimacy is into-me-see. If you want closeness with another person, it involves a deep seeing of the other in both a recognition of and a validation of their internal world. This involves practicing truly paying attention, remaining curious, open, and have a willingness to be changed depending on what you hear.
This is why every couple should meditate if they want to stay together: meditation is the practice of remaining present and open. By being present with another, we practice beginner’s mind by not letting our own concepts, beliefs and understandings get in the way of truly hearing somebody else’s ideas.
What you find inside
Fortunately, in arguing to understand, you begin to learn so much about your partner, who they are, what they believe in, and how they became the person they are today. If you look at most relationship conflicts from when to wash the dishes to what time the kids should go to bed, rarely is the actual problem the surface level discussion. Rather, the present conflict is the result of a rift in a deeper set of beliefs and values about life, understandings likely formulated when both partners were children themselves.
For example, if one partner grew up poor, they see saving money as key to their safety and security. Meanwhile, another partner might have been given an allowance as a child and see spending money as key to their sense of autonomy, fulfillment and independence. Similarly, one partner might have had strict parents who forced them to clean on the daily, and how being able to leave a dirty dish in the sink feels extremely liberating. The other partner might have seen their lazy parent leave things messy and see it as indicative of carelessness.
In this way, any conflict in relationships can be an incredible gateway to deeper understandings. Ask fundamental questions like, “Well, how does this make you feel? What was it like when you were growing up? What does leaving things clean or dirty mean to you?”
In this way, successful couples are actually able to deepen their intimacy when they come into conflict, because they use it as an opportunity to learn more about their partner, who they are and where they came from. They use conflict to cultivate into-me-see, arguing to understand.
It leads to better sex too
Seeing into the other to create closeness in the relationships helps to create in intimacy in the bedroom too. One of the biggest lessons I learned in sex education training was this: there is not a single health problem that does not also affect one’s sex life in some way.
This is such an important and crucial lesson for anyone wanting a happy sex life to understand. It is so much more than just recognizing that when you have a cold, you do not want to have sex or that if you have an STD/STI, you should not be having sex until it has been taken care of.
Recognizing how our physical and mental health influences our sex life means realizing that depression kills our libido, as do many medications for depression. A rash on a person’s body can make them feel insecure about getting naked. Any kind of pain, whether it is the chronic pain of fibromyalgia or the acute pain of having broken a limb from a fall, can easily get in the way of pleasure.
The point is, if we are feeling discomfort in our own bodies, it can be really hard to get comfortable with another body. If we ourselves want another body to be comfortable with us, we have to understand what that body is feeling, what it is going through, and consider what we can do to help the situation.
If our partner is not in the mood to have sex with us, it can be easy to take it personally. We might think they are not attracted to us anymore, or that there are problems in the relationship. More often than not, however, it has to do with the person and issues they are dealing with. By being genuinely open and curious about what they are going through can really help. Asking questions like, “I’m sorry you’re not feeling up to it. How have you been feeling lately?” can really help. Ask about what things turn them on, what turns them off, what they are insecure about, and how you can support them.
Cultivating love
By shifting to think of our love as understanding, it grows over time. One of the biggest challenges around love in the Western world is that our expectations around love are astronomical. We have fairytale ideas that if we find the right person, we will fall madly in love and live happily ever after, having hot sex, smart kids and a stable home life with no effort at all.
But our understanding of the other person is limited at the beginning, and by seeing our love as a verb, as not being in a relationship but a continuous process of relating, our connection grows over time. In this way, it ages like a fine wine, getting better as our understanding deepens. No longer does conflict even happen, as we know ahead of time who our partner is and why they behave the way that they do.
Of course, I could also be wrong about all of this. Feel free to let me know what you think in the comments below. I am curious and open minded with a willingness to be changed by what I hear. I hope you understand me, and I hope I can understand you.
