Last week, I covered some of the basics for connected communication, including listening, validation, and communication.
What that post didn’t discuss was the underlying assumption that communication is important in relationships. Yes, communication is important, but how important is it, really? And what might be more important than communication in a healthy partnership?
Today, I’d like to talk about that more important factor to consider bringing into your relationship. It’s not just something you can incorporate into your communication styles; it can inform everything you do.
Because as important as communication is, talking is just one of the things that you do in a relationship. You also go to the movies, have sex, raise children, celebrate holidays, visit in-laws, play games, maybe exercise together, and so much more. And there is a positive emotional quality that you can bring to all of those activities and to everything you say and do.
That positive quality is compassion.
Practice compassion
You don’t have to take my word for it. When I interviewed Marriage and Family Therapist Kate Lore on the Learn to Love podcast, she also emphasized that compassion is even more important than communication.
While everyone agrees that honesty is important, it won’t get you very far without compassion. We should always express the truth in any given situation, but there are always a number of truths we could express and a myriad of ways to express those truths. There are multiple perspectives and approaches we can pursue in any given situation. The best option will always be the most compassionate and kind response we can muster.
For example, if you come home after a long day to find that the chicken was not taken out of the freezer like you had asked, you could be “honest” and tell your partner you think they are being inconsiderate. You might also say that you feel so angry you want to strangle them. Yes, that is the “truth.” Another truth, however, is that you love your partner dearly and think that they are the bee’s knees. Another truth is that your partner probably meant to do the thing you asked but forgot, or they are so stressed themselves that the additional task was too much. A compassionate response might be “Hey, I noticed you didn’t do that thing I asked. Is everything OK? Can I help you in any way?”
Kindness too
Compassion engenders a kind and caring response, which is the key to happiness in life. When I interviewed Stanford researcher Sonja Lyubomirsky on the Learn to Love podcast, she emphasized how acts of kindness foster happiness. As social beings, we are wired to connect, so doing kind things for each other makes us more connected and, thus, happier.
This is why altruistic acts actually make us happier than selfish ones. Selfish acts often involve taking something from somebody, creating a disconnect. Altruistic acts, on the other hand, involve helping or considering other people and create connection. The science is clear: it is better to give than it is to receive.
This especially applies to our most intimate relationships. A finding often cited in popular psychology articles is Gottman’s research identifying the two most significant factors in relationships: kindness and generosity. Everyone from The Atlantic to Glamour to YourTango have covered these two important factors.
How do we encourage more kind and generous behavior? The answer is compassion, which not only includes the mental acknowledgement and emotional resonance of someone’s suffering, but also the desire and motivation to alleviate it.
In other words, one way that compassion expresses itself is through kindness. Another way is through generosity. Another way is by being there when our partner needs us most. Compassion is like a large tree trunk, and each unique branch has the potential to transform our relationships.
So, in summary, be honest but be loving. Be truthful but be kind. Communicate, but always from a compassionate perspective. It will take you far.
