People everywhere are learning more and more about their attachment style. What was once a relatively obscure psychological theory, has now exploded into a compendium of surveys, books, trainings, and therapies. Although John Bowlby passed away over thirty years ago, he would be happy to know that his attachment theory has now entered the mainstream.
And as more people discover how their early childhood upbringing is affecting their adult romantic relationships, they become rightfully concerned about how to let go of old patterns and form new ones.
Depending on whom you talk to, you might now know that you are avoidant, anxious, insecure, dismissive, fearful, preoccupied, traumatic, disorganized, or ambivalent. You could also be a combination of some or all of the above. Like many psychological theories, there are a number of different perspectives that might use different terms, but they all come with the same message: being securely attached is a good thing. Research has shown that those with secure attachments tend to be happier, have better relationships, and overall better mental health.
So, maybe you too have found yourself wanting to be more securely attached in your relationships and are wondering, how do I do that?
Well, look no further, as this blog post will go over five ways to build a more secure attachment style.
1. Be with Someone Who is Securely Attached
I know I know, not the most ideal situation, but let’s get this one out of the way. It is not the easiest, but it is the simplest: just be in a relationship with someone who is securely attached. Because attachment styles were formed in relationship, they often have to be re-formed in relationship too. While your attachment styles was initially patterned with your relationship to your primary caregivers, our adult romantic relationships shape our attachment style as well. And research has shown that just one, successful, happy, secure relationship is enough to rewire someone to function more securely.
Now that might not be possible for everyone, especially since anxious and avoidants tend to attract one another. In such cases we can try some other strategies.
2. Therapy and/or Coaching
Okay so maybe you weren’t hoping for this answer either, but it’s true. Therapy can help, coaching can too. Think of it as a secure attachment with a professional that you happen to be paying. Therapists are trained in the attunement, attention, and kindness that are essential for creating a secure bond. They are also trained in things like trauma and childhood development, which can help you unpack your own history in a safe and supportive environment.
If there isn’t any deep psychological trauma or mental health related issues, a coach can also be helpful in keeping you accountable on your path to forming a secure attachment style. They are also well-versed in interrupting negative thinking and can put and keep you on a more positive, secure path. Thais Gibson, an old guest on the Learn to Love Podcast, has a number of courses on what it takes to build secure attachment.
But having the time and resources to work with a professional isn’t available to everyone. Fortunately, you can focus on another very important relationship: the one you have with yourself.
3. Meditation
There are few things as powerful for personal transformation as practicing meditation. Mediation helps us regulate our emotions, meet challenges with awareness, and live with intention. It should be no surprise then to learn that meditation can do wonders for our ability to form secure attachments. Meditation forces us to look deeply at our own conditioning, while asking us to open up to a larger, more expansive awareness.
Meditation is often described as a kind of “spiritual reparenting,” because we get to offer ourselves the loving attunement that we did not receive as children. For anxious types, mediation can really help to turn the volume down on those intrusive insecurities that keep coming up. For avoidant types, meditation forces you to be present with your emotions rather than run from them. The natural peace that arises from an extended meditation practice is very similar to what one feels when securely attached.
Meditation is a wonderful tool, but it doesn’t work for everyone. Some just fall asleep while meditating, while others can’t sit still. In those cases we can turn to other people in our life for help.
4. Find a Supportive Community
People with a secure attachment style are good communicators. They can easily express their emotions and deepen the connection with their partners. To get on that path for yourself, you might try turning to family, friends, or any kind of group that allows you to practice your secure attachment skills. Any kind of spontaneous, fun, and engaging social interaction can help with secure attachment.
Finding a supportive community might also mean letting go or purging counterproductive relationships. Do your friends constantly criticize each other, or do they lift each other up? Is your church group or family comfortable with vulnerability? It’s okay to keep certain people in your life but at the same time you need to find people who put you on a path to healing and growth.
But if a supportive community isn’t around, then it is time to work on yourself.
5. Focus on Yourself
The last and final method for building secure attachment is to focus on yourself, which can be done in a myriad of positive and secure-building ways. Learn the art of self-love and how to communicate your emotions. Step outside of your comfort zone and do something risky. Learn to stand up for yourself and develop a healthy sense of self-esteem. Learn how to not react and to not take everything personally, and how to compromise and serve others without sacrificing yourself.
We don’t necessarily have to be securely attached to a person, we can be securely attached to life too. Think about what you are passionate about and pursue an interesting hobby. Eat well, exercise, de-stress your life and de-clutter your home. Go to a doctor, dentist, physical trainer, and/or dietician. Keep a journal and find ways to creatively express yourself. Develop a healthy sense of security within yourself and in the world. Develop your own strategies to cope with the challenges of life. Be more optimistic.
If that sounds like a tall order, don’t worry. It takes practice. The fact is, there is no such thing as perfect attachment, and everyone, even those that score high on the “secure” scale, can always do more to become more secure, safe, and connected.
Enjoy the process, enjoy your life, and enjoy the beauty, awe, and wonder of a loving relationship.
