It happens to almost every relationship. What was once new and exciting somehow becomes dull and routine. It is perfectly natural, too, as couples transition from dancing all night and making love until dawn to changing diapers and working hard to save money in college accounts. While a decrease in sex over time is common and natural, it is not inevitable. It is definitely possible to re-ignite the passion and excitement in one’s sex life– maybe even better than it ever was.
Unfortunately, there is no magic bullet or perfect piece of advice that works for everyone. While novelty, adventure, and closeness are often called the secrets to spicing up your relationship, that doesn’t necessarily mean that attending couples counseling and buying some fuzzy handcuffs after a skydiving adventure is going to work for you.
In order to change anything for the better, you have to understand it first. That’s why we have doctors to fix our bodies and IT departments to fix our computers; each knows how their specific systems work. Similarly, you must also understand how your relationship works and see how your own behaviors affect the passion (or lack thereof) in your relationship.
This process of understanding begins with asking yourself the right questions. Here are five that can greatly help along the way.
How do I turn myself off?
Many people have heard the term “sex drive” and know that the sex centers of the brain are closely connected to the fundamental survival drives that encourage us to seek food and shelter. What most people don’t know, however, is that the sex drive has both an accelerator pedal and a brake pedal. Many don’t even realize it when they’re pressing down on that brake pedal.
That’s why one of the most important inquiries on the path to re-igniting passion is asking, How do I turn myself off? What conscious or unconscious behaviors are you doing–in the evening after work, for example–that do not bring you into your body in an exciting way?
It’s common for people to come home after a long day of work, sink into the couch with a beer or a glass of wine, and watch television for a couple hours. Then, when one partner wants to initiate sex–guess what–the other person isn’t in the mood. Whether it is lack of sleep, too much stress, or eating overly spicy food that brings indigestion, it is important to think about what you are doing that is killing your desire.
Then you can move onto the next question…
What can I do that turns me on?
If you thought the previous question was going to be What does my partner do that turns me off?, then you are sorely mistaken. When partners in long-term relationships experience dissatisfaction in their sex life, one of the go-to responses is to blame the other person. Psychologically, it’s much easier to blame someone else than own up to one’s own responsibilities. But if we really want to re-ignite our sex life then, we must have the courage to acknowledge our own roles in the situation, including finding out what turns us off and also what turns us on.
It may be tempting to think that our partner needs to do something like wear a certain piece of lingerie, but again, we tend to expect our partners to do all the work. In reality, it is up to both partners to bring their best, most excited step forward. How can we do this? Well, it begins by thinking about things you can do to turn yourself on. For many people, any form of exercise is a great way to improve blood flow to all parts of the body, so is taking a bath or laying out in the sun.
Few things inspire more passion than anticipation, so planning an exciting night with your partner or sending dirty texts throughout the week might be a big turn on for you.
What turns you on is going to be different than what turns someone else on, but many of these turn ons have one thing in common: being in one’s body.
What brings me into my body?
One of my all-time favorite studies involved researchers having participants install an app on their phones. Periodically, the app would pop up and ask the participants two questions: What are you doing right now? and Are you aware that you are doing it? The study found that people were only paying attention to what they were doing about half the time; the rest of the time, their minds were wandering somewhere else.
The study is a great example of how we are rarely present in the moment. This is especially true when it comes to love because attention is the food of love. But perhaps the most interesting part of the study was that people answered yes to both questions the most when they were making love. How that worked out, I’ll never know, but it makes an important conclusion: sex is the one thing that brings us fully into the present moment. By being more in our bodies and more present, our passion and intimacy also deepen.
So another question to ask yourself is What brings me into my body? It could be yoga, running, or eating a particularly delicious piece of chocolate. It could be embodied meditation or a mindful walk in nature.
The more you get into your body, the more you realize what your body can offer to the world, which brings us to our next question.
What can I give?
As a yoga teacher, I am a little biased, but I love being in my body. Our bodies are incredible! Trillions of cells are working in trillions of ways just for you to read this sentence. Our bodies can do so much, too. They can dance and sing just as they can make and eat delicious crème brûlée.
They also have a lot to offer in the bedroom, beyond just the usual. Whenever I coach guys suffering from premature ejaculation, I always remind them that they have a mouth and hands with ten functional fingers.
It’s important to enter into any sexual romp thinking about what you can give rather than what you can get. Sex educator Dan Savage calls this having an attitude of GGG: Good, Giving, and Game. The giving part here is key, as it’s important to want to please your partner more than you want to please yourself.
The game part of GGG means being up for new experiences, and being good leads us to our last and final question…
What do I know?
There is a joke that, if you are giving a presentation on almost anything and you have an open audience, you can always say “________ is a lot like sex, everyone thinks they are good at it,” and people will inevitably have an answer for the blank. Steve Tobak filled it in with marketing, Jay Leno said racecar driving, and Dutch Boyd said the same thing about poker. Dan Ariely added more to the idea: “Big data is like teenage sex; everyone talks about it, nobody really knows how to do it, and everything thinks everyone else is doing it, so everyone claims they are doing it.”
The point of the joke stays the same: people think they are good at sex, but few actually are. We shouldn’t blame ourselves, however, as sex education tends to focus way more on things like STDs and safety rather than enjoyment and pleasure.
What do you honestly know about sex? Are you familiar with the anatomy of the clitoris, the eleven types of female orgasms, or the average male refractory period? Do you know how to tie a good knot with silk red rope that’s also easy to undo in the moment, or how to give a good massage? Do you know what types of lube you like or which sensations feel the best for your body?
The final step to re-igniting passion is to realize that there is so much to explore in the realm of human sexuality. So you must acknowledge the limits of your own knowledge and strive to keep learning more. Many sex toy shops offer classes, and many sex educators have workshops open to the public. As someone who has been studying love and sex for over a decade now, I can tell you that there is always more to know. The human sexual potential is infinite.
So there you have it: 5 Questions to Re-Ignite Your Sex Life. What do you think? Let me know in the comments below.
